"How do you help someone who has no desire to help themselves?"
Lets start with the presuppositions of the question.
1.) The questioner has a genuine desire, or at least a spoken desire, to help the object of their question. [why ask this question if you don't really want to help this person]
2.) The object of the question doesn't have any desire to change their current situation. [no desire to...]
3.) The questioner literally has no idea of how to help the object of their question. [How do you...]
Let's give this question some context from which we can address it. Lets put this question in the context of a spouse who's husband/wife is struggling with alcoholism. For this purpose I will address it from alcoholism, but it is universally applicable for most areas of issue where this question usually makes an appearance, i.e., a person who appears to be in a situation that isn't good, but doesn't show any sign of wanting to better that situation.
I have often heard it said, often by a Christian friend or someone who identifies as Christian, "God helps those who help themselves." This is entirely anti-biblical. I have read Bible cover-to-cover and it is nowhere in the 66 books that make up the Bible. That statement was made by It doesn't fit anywhere in the gospel narrative. The whole idea of Jesus Christ finds it's footing in the very reality that we cannot help ourselves and we are eternally damned without his intervention. The gospel narrative is what it is; it needs no further development from me; that horse has been thoroughly beaten. Anyone who continues to try and make it say something it doesn't only shows their ignorance and arrogance. The phrase actually comes from Ancient Greece, and is generally considered a main point in a couple of Aesop's Fables. The problem with Aesop's Fables is that they are just that, Fables. They are fictional stories. I find no application for this statement in the existential struggle.
So how do we help this person? Over 551 times a certain word is spoken in the NIV Bible. That word is "Love". I tend to believe that if over 30 different authors write 66 books over the course of 2000 years and they all mention this word to the total tune of 551 times, then it bears a significant amount of weight in the overall scheme of things. So; lets start there. Love them. Jesus' whole life was love. Everything he did sprang up from love. Listen to how James Stewart, the Scottish Theologian, described Jesus:
"He was the meekest and lowliest of all the sons of men, yet he spoke of coming on the clouds of heaven with the glory of God. He was so austere that evil spirits and demons cried out in terror at his coming, yet he was so genial and winsome and approachable that the children loved to play with him, and the little ones nestled in his arms. His presence at the innocent gaiety of a village wedding was like the presence of sunshine. No one was half so compassionate to sinners, yet no one ever spoke such red hot scorching words about sin. A bruised reed he would not break, his whole life was love, yet on one occasion he demanded of the Pharisees how they ever expected to escape the damnation of hell. He was a dreamer of dreams and a seer of visions, yet for sheer stark realism He has all of our stark realists soundly beaten. He was a servant of all, washing the disciples feet, yet masterfully He strode into the temple, and the hucksters and moneychangers fell over one another to get away from the mad rush and the fire they saw blazing in His eyes. He saved others, yet at the last Himself He did not save. There is nothing in history like the union of contrasts which confronts us in the gospels. The mystery of Jesus is the mystery of divine personality."
In this quotation from Mr. Stewart we find principle two. Serve them. Jesus life was life of complete service. He never turned people away. He always welcomed them into his presence and met them where they were. Let's take the Woman at the Well in John 4:1-42. Jesus met with her as he came to get a drink from the well. She was there to draw water also. He didn't ask her to come to a meeting or to hit an AA meeting with her. He went to her and met her where she was; he was brutally honest with her, but he met her in her struggle, and he showed her the love only he could give. He basically says, "Look, I know you've been married several times and the dude your living with now isn't your husband." She tells him that she knows about the messiah that is supposed to come and explain things, and he says, "I, the one who is speaking to you, am he." He meets her and tells her all about herself, and then he offers her the only saving grace she would ever need. He called the disciples right off the boat to follow him. He washed the disciples feet. I mean, that is possibly the nastiest job anyone could have. Just sayin.
While we are on the subject of serving them, lets move away from this idea that this person is being selfish. That may be, but the problem with selfishness is normally the person being selfish doesn't see it that way. They are not intentionally trying to piss you off or be selfish. They are struggling with a very real demon. A demon that you probably can't get your head around. No man or woman wants their family to hate them for being a drunk. No man or woman wants their kids to not like being around them. That is not the case at all. Not even close. They know their family doesn't like them; they know they don't want to be around them. This only fuels the addiction. You cannot let them know that. The first place he or she will turn to medicate the pain of being ostracized by their family is deeper into their addiction.
I am going to steal from Pastor Ben Durbin here for this next point. Pray for them. There is a pattern in all of Bible. Prayer and then breakthrough. Jesus prayed so hard, all night, before he made a sacrifice of himself that he sweat blood. The disciples prayed for 10 days before Pentecost happened. Jesus taught his disciples to pray. Daniel prayed and the lions got lock jaw. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego prayed and the furnace didn't even singe them. The backbeat of the Biblical music is prayer. Pray without ceasing.
Don't get bogged down on the whole, "If they really loved their family..." trip. That is a myth also. I can guarantee you that there is nothing I love more than my wife and sons. I will literally die for them. I have no qualms about that. I have already settled that issue in my mind. As much as I love them does that mean I am not tempted with lust? I don't want a penny I've not earned; does that mean I am not tempted with greed? I am very comfortable where I am. I'd actually like to step down and not have so much responsibility; does that mean I am not tempted with pride? No. Love for one's family ultimately has very little to do with the other options that stir the imagination and tempt the strong man to his fall.
You cannot change anyone; not even yourself. You can make superficial changes, but the real changes that need to happen in my heart and in your heart can only take place through God alone by faith alone. We can put in effort, but the actual change can only come from God. It is the same for the one we are watching struggle. Only God can show them the condition of their heart. How do you help someone who doesn't want to help themselves? Love them, serve them and pray for them.
I will support you in this battle by loving you, serving you through my writings and praying for you daily.
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